Walking in Darkness: A Previously Purpose Driven Life
For most of the past 30 years, I lived a very purpose driven life. But God has taken that away and I now walk in darkness. There used to be a straight line connecting all the dots from my ultimate goal to what I was doing in each moment. In fact, I still use that concept of alignment to train my managers to build an inspired workforce. Now, I live with obscurity.
This is not a bad thing. In the journey toward spiritual perfection, there are many dimensions, lessons, and teaching methods God uses in His individualized learning plan for each of us. There are times when our curriculum calls for intense alignment and purpose in our lives. There are other times when darkness is important and we must learn that obscurity is an important part of the spiritual teaching process. I might add this is why it is so dangerous to enforce spiritual regimentation: each person's path is customized by God. To assume we have the perfect recipe for all spiritual growth (because it worked for us) is woefully immature and short-sighted.
The long term goal is still there. In fact, it has grown from the hyper-responsible, purpose driven, temporal and subtly arrogant goal of "doing the work" to the simpler and eternal "love God." What's missing is everything in between.
For 20 years, the clear path was preparing for the ministry. My education, jobs and career choices were temporary steps along the way. Each prepared me for the work I was to do and were ways of building the Kingdom of God today. When that goal of full time ministry was close to being realized, I left the denomination I was in to find a church experience which better served my children. Then I unexpectedly returned to the Catholic Church. The ultimate goal of "doing the work" remained but the path shifted. Now I worked high risk, high paying executive jobs in order to retire early and dedicate my life to volunteer service in the Church. That seemed to be the path for a few years until it, too, was washed away.
The past several years have been bewildering, utterly confusing, painful to the point of depression and spiritually invaluable. As I prayed to the Holy Spirit to destroy my appalling arrogance and bring me to a deep humility no matter what the cost, just have mercy on my family, as I prayed to the Holy Spirit to destroy my self will, that my will be used only to choose to love God and do the Father's will no matter what the cost, just be merciful to my family, God plunged me into darkness.
I've not yet emerged (although God seems to have recently brought me to some place new) and do not need to emerge. There is no longer a need for my life to be purpose driven, to be hyper-responsible. "Doing the work" as I understood it may be neither my choice nor my purpose. Instead, I must love God and do what He chooses I do even when I haven't a clue about what that is.
So what do I "do"? I do the love God puts in front of me. I do not know how it takes shape. I do not know where it goes. I do not know how it furthers His will. I do not know how it spreads the gospel or works for the salvation of souls. I only know it is love and God placed it before me. How it all holds together is up to Him. I can no longer connect the dots nor do I need to.
I suppose when my inspiration required I connect the dots (still a sound management principle for both Church and business), God allowed me to do so. But that meant my inspiration was exactly that, "my" inspiration: arrogant, self willed and self directed. One thing I fear as a person to whom God has granted an abundance of physical talents (along with complete spiritual ineptitude) is to stand before God at my death and be asked by Him why I squandered the gifts He gave me. That may be either a cause or effect of my hyper-responsibility. Thus, for me today (and not necessarily for you today or me tomorrow), it is a gracious gift of faith to let go of my purpose driven life and trust God to connect the dots as long as I do the love He has placed before me with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.
Mother Theresa of Calcutta said it so simply: "We can do no great things; only little things with great love." Sometimes I just take a long time to grasp the simple.
I still must plan my life as best I can while always playing to the end game. I still must keep my eyes open to where God wants me to go more than just the next step forward. But I do not need to see that far ahead if it is not given. I do not need to know the intermediate steps along the path. I no longer need to connect the dots to be inspired. The inspiration comes from loving and trusting God, not having a visionary plan with measurable milestones along the way. After all, love never fails. Plans do.
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Reply #1 on : Sun August 31, 2008, 05:57:32